"He wasn't lying, I was”
By Sherilyn Cordova Pumaras
I was lying.
Sherilyn Cordova Pumaras, Phillipines
That night under the glittering stars as he sat beside me, a piercing silence cut through the wind. Shivers began running down my spine electrifying the tingling nerve ends in my fingertips. Whereas the wind, a gentle breeze, ushered in warmth; I felt cold! Mmmm. A bitter chill came over me…
I waited with bated breath for him to begin what I desired above all else; our intimate talk. Why did I always find myself waiting, for what seemed like an eternity, since our relationship began? It's been two long years and there I was still waiting for him. It’s unclear what I was waiting for. Perhaps I thought that should I wait long enough, I would become visible to him. Ten minutes passed when finally he opened his mouth. The ambiance intensified. My mind was unable to comprehend what my instincts were telling me and just then he...
"Let's break up", he said bluntly. I looked deep within his eyes hoping to see through him. I held my breath and then looked past him as though I were praying for what had to be a dream that surely would end. Just then I saw that his eyes were expressing sincerity.
He wasn't lying.
It seemed like the world was caving in on my entirety. “He doesn’t want me anymore!”, I told myself. He is going to leave me! Yes, he is going to…
"Why?” I asked as though there must be some kind of valid reason. I was desperate to hear his reasoning. I needed justification. I simply couldn’t be left wondering for an eternity, could I?
Sometimes it’s easier to just move forward so we can work toward forgetting the past. Yes?
Still, don’t I deserve an explanation? Wouldn’t you?
He looked above the gloomy sky as he hugged himself and then I heard these words, "I just felt so tired, aren't you?", he smiled. "Tired of what?", I knew the answer by then, and yet I still listened intently. I wanted to hear it from him, "I'm tired of us, of me, of everything". Then he stood and walked away without looking back. He left me that night!
I felt emptied within. At first it seemed as though he took everything from me, and yet I later felt as though I was left with everything. Wasn’t I?
Even though I’ve lost him I still possessed our memories tucked away deep within my heart of hearts. The stuffed toy he gifted me in celebration of our first anniversary still rests upon the pillows of my bed. That wilted white rose I slipped between the pages of our favorite book is still firmly in place. I even sensed the lingering coffee aroma of the brew he used to make that provided inner warmth on rainy days. The smile he used to smile at me when I felt so down is yet to fade away. I can still remember every part of him.
I wept until my eyes ran dry. I cried throughout the night he left me while the only witnesses were the wind and the stars that seemed to be unaware of how I felt. Is it possible for stars to feel all alone? Can the wind crave a heartfelt embrace? I only wished that the wind and the stars would have acknowledged the way I felt under that lonely dark night’s sky! Yes, my dreams were shattered like white hot lightning piercing a dark night’s sky.
“Why is life so unfair at times?”, I ask myself.
As I began to walk away from where he left me, tears started to roll down my cheeks again. Would they ever end?
It took so much courage to stand up from that hard bench, but then tears welled up within my eyes once again. Yes, I am crying again.
To this very day I still have tears, I guess. In that moment what made me tear up were the people I saw along the avenue. Some were sitting comfortably inside coffee shops as they enjoyed the warmth of being with loved ones. Others were laughing with friends as though everything was great. With everything that captivated me along my way, it pained me that while I am dying inside, the world still seems okay.
It’s been five long years now, since that bittersweet day when he walked away! I’ve finally gotten back up on my feet. The heartbreak feels as though it has finally passed. I’ve grown stronger as I’ve put back together those broken pieces that wounded me so deeply. I am able to finally see a silver lining that arose out of the ashes of my downfall. Indeed, I am better now. I am an overcomer having mended my broken heart. It’s whole again! Yes, finally I am healed.
Suddenly, a man showed up in front of me. He smiled and said, "Hi! How are you?”.
I recognized that face. I still remember those eyes and that smile, I knew that man. He’s that man.
"I feel great, how about you?", I replied with a smile.
"I’m getting married this year, I hope you'll come", he said as he handed me an invitation. I took in the photo of this man beside his future bride as they wore their happiest smile.
"Ohh", that came out of nowhere. "Wish you Good luck", I said as he bid his goodbye.
When he turned his back to me, I heard my inner voice repeating over and over again these words, "I am okay, I am okay, I am okay...".
I guess, after all these years, I was lying to myself.